Staying Human
by CrowNoYami
Summary: Having his soulless brother create a trail of ex-lovers had to stop. They were supposed to fly under the radar, not be with anyone they could, married or not. When Sam offers Dean to take their place, he should have said no, but without his soul, this wasn't his Sammy. Dean was able to keep it a secret from Sam, those nights they spent together until as a demon he let it all out.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Staying Human**  
 **Author: CrowNoYami**  
 **Artist: Lotrspnfangirl**  
 **Rating: E**

 **Warnings/Spoilers: Sibling Incest, Mentions of Sam with other people, Mentions Infidelity, Hand Jobs, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Mentions Rimming, Mentions Spanking, Masturbation, Facials, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crude language, Vomiting, Non-Consensual Bondage, Frottage, Top Dean Winchester, Bottom Sam Winchester, Top Dean Winchester/Bottom Sam Winchester, Amelia Bashing, Childhood Crush, Mutual Pining, NSFW Art**

 **Summary: Having his soulless brother create a trail of ex-lovers had to stop. They were supposed to fly under the radar, not be with anyone they could, married or not. When Sam offers for Dean to take their place, he should have said no, but without his soul, this wasn't his Sammy. Dean was able to keep it a secret from Sam, those nights they spent together until as a demon he let it all out.**

 **Art:** Tumblr | Ao3  
 **Story:** Tumblr | Ao3

 **Authors Notes:** Okay so this story is gonna have a bunch of notes which are important so please bear with me! This is my Wincest Big Bang submission!

1) This was written for the Wincest Big Bang which you can find here:

2) The art for this is AMAZING and you can find a link to lotrspnfangirl here: and here: /users/lotrspnfangirl/pseuds/lotrspnfangirlgraphics

 **Link to Art:** **/works/16040798**

3) This work was edited/beta'd by **JDL71 and** lotrspnfangirl and sooo many thanks to them taking the time to do this for me!

4) I'm doing my warnings differently for this as a test to see if it works better. Okay so typically I would post at the start of each chapter what warnings apply for that chapter… I'm not doing that anymore. I will now be tagging for the entire story first (which I tend to do now anyway as I only post once a story is complete)

All warnings/tags that I find in excess to the usual ones (such as Anal Sex ect.) will be mentioned if it is something triggering. All Non-Con (not in this story, cause like… No), Abuse (again NOT and issue for this story) and such will be mentioned in the comments for that chapter. Otherwise PLEASE read the tags carefully as well as my 'overall' tagbox/warnings on the first chapter.

Seriously though, check out the ART FOR THIS! **/works/16040798**

5) For those reading on FFN, I'm sorry that the links won't work. That being said: to view the art just Tumblr search (or Ao3) lotrspnfangirl and you can see it there. I also have the art uploaded into the actual story if you want to see where it's supposed to go in the scenes on Ao3, just either search for the title of the story Staying Human, or if you wanted to check out the other works that I do there I'm under the same name CrowNoYami. I try to keep FFN posted as much as possible but with image prompts and stuff I kind of can't. Sorry.

 **Chapter 1**

Dean knew it was a mistake the moment it happened. While he would do anything for his brother, the second he looked into Sam's eyes after being away from him for so long, he knew something wasn't right. He should have stayed with Lisa and Ben; he should have had his apple-pie life that he had always secretly dreamt about. Sammy may have been the one to go off to college and to try and get his dream away from hunting, but he wasn't the only one who wanted out. Things had been different with Lisa, safer, and having the chance to raise a child alongside her had been soothing to his soul.

Then Sam came back into the picture, and while Dean was ecstatic his brother wasn't in the cage and suffering, it had meant an end to the life he had spent the past year carving out for himself. Still, Sam had needed him, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for the taller man. But things had been different; Sam had been different than the man he had once known. Instead of feeling like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, Sam had been uninterested in anything besides hunting and sex. Hell, the guy didn't even sleep as far as Dean could tell.

It was the last part that caused Dean to worry. If Sam wanted to bury whatever had happened to him while he was with the archangels in the cage with hunting that was fine. It wasn't usual for Sam to want to take out his pain with killing as many monsters as possible. After Jessica was murdered, hunting was the only thing that kept Sam together for a while until he learned how to deal with the grief. Sam didn't sleep around though; he had never been interested in sex besides a handful of times when the loneliness became too much. Now Sam was sleeping with any woman who was remotely attractive and looked his way.

Something was seriously wrong, and Dean couldn't quite put his finger on it. Not until he was turned into a monster himself. Dean's senses were heightened beyond his understanding in those few hours while he'd been a vampire. While his focus had been trying not to drain everyone dry, looking back, Dean could _smell_ something wrong with his brother. It was a predator's instinct, while he had wanted to hold Sam down, to sink his fangs into his neck and _drink,_ there was also something else, something that told Dean to stay _away_ from the man in front of him.

At the time Dean hadn't thought much of it, assuming it was something left over of his humanity to try and protect Sam. Once Castiel reached into his brother and confirmed what was wrong though, Dean couldn't help but think back to the signs he'd brushed off. He shouldn't have left Lisa and Ben; he should have turned Sam away at the door and protected his new family. While he would lay down his life for Sammy, the man who was at his side now was not his brother.

After attacking Ben, Dean didn't have anywhere else to go. There was no way Lisa would accept anyone who'd harmed her son back into their lives. Dean wasn't confident that if he did go back, Sam wouldn't do something to his family to force Dean into agreeing to go with him again. Still, this had to stop. While it was okay for Sam to revel in the hunt, he wasn't just leaving monsters behind in his wake but a laundry list of women as well. Usually, Dean wouldn't mind, he was known to break a few hearts when he came into town, but Sam wasn't using his head.

Some of the women had husbands, children. Sam didn't care so long as they were interested in having sex with him and, if pretty enough, he would take them. Sam didn't seem to care where he had sex anymore either, and it was going to get them in trouble. Not often, but sometimes they needed to come back into a town to either tie up loose ends or because some areas seemed to attract creatures. By the way Sam was grabbing anyone he could, they wouldn't be welcomed back into most towns. And Dean was tired of walking in on his baby brother having sex.

Sam without a soul didn't seem to care if Dean was in the same room or car as him while he was getting off. If he didn't know any better, Dean would have thought Sam was trying to get caught. After one such incident, Dean decided enough was enough and waited until the girl was kicked out of the motel room by his brother before broaching the subject. Sam was sitting on his bed, shirtless at the very least though Dean doubted the taller man was wearing anything under the sheet covering his lower half.

"We need to talk," began Dean. "While I get that you need to let off some steam now and then, you gotta start thinking with more than your dick. The last thing I want to see when I come back with food is you plowing into some chick, and while you may not care now, how about when you get your soul back? No way would you take home a woman with a ring on her finger."

For a moment Sam didn't speak, though he did look up from the laptop he had been working once Dean walked into the room and ruined the woman's mood. Looking into the soulless eyes of his brother, Dean felt a shiver run down his spine for a second before brushing the feeling aside. Sam may not have a soul, but something had brought him to Dean's doorstep and kept him around. Whatever it was would keep Dean from the horror he knew Sam could dish out now that his conscience was gone.

"You know, you used to be fun. I may not _feel_ like your Sam, but I have his memories. I lost count of how many times he was kicked out of the motel room or was forced to pretend he couldn't hear you as you did the same thing. Just because you're not getting any doesn't mean you should knock those who are." Sam eyed Dean before continuing, "And besides, she may have had a ring on her finger, but I'm not so low as to take someone who doesn't want it."

Dean opened his mouth to protest again when he cut himself off as Sam moved the laptop aside and placed it on the nightstand. He had been right; Sam wasn't wearing anything underneath the sheet, which was evident by the erection he was no longer hiding. For a second, just a second, Dean let his gaze fall to the tented sheet. He had never spoken about it. It was something Dean had hidden for as long as he could remember, but he had always been a bit curious about what it was like to be with another man.

Now Dean wanted to know what it would be like if Sam just moved the sheet down a bit. Shaking the thought from his mind, disgusted with himself, Dean tried not to mention what he was thinking about. But Sam had seen where his gaze had been locked and smirked at him. "You know, if you're worried about my dick causing us to get run out of town, you could always take their place."

Stunned by Sam's words, Dean didn't respond for a second. The second was enough for Sam to trail a hand down from his throat to the edge of the sheets. Dean couldn't help but watch as that hand ran down Sam's muscular chest and wondered if he could dare to take what he wanted for once. "You have to be joking, Sammy. I'm your brother… we can't." It was only a second later Sam pushed his hand under sheets, moving the fabric so Dean could see the trail of Sam's pubic hair though keeping the cloth covering his cock.

"Maybe, but without my soul am I _really_ your brother, Dean? The way I see it, you can either deal with me fucking whoever comes around or you can offer to satisfy me yourself. Either way, I'm going to get off, with who is up to you."

Dean hated it. He wanted nothing more than to tell Sam to shove it up his ass and was about to say those very words when Sam pulled down the sheet and started to stroke his cock. While he didn't see a lot of dick outside of porn, Dean knew his brother was above average, longer than his own although thinner. Swallowing Dean watched Sam's hand slowly start to pump, his thumb teasing the head every few swipes while those hazel eyes remained locked on Dean in challenge.

"Fuck Sam…" Dean trailed off as Sam looked down at Dean's crotch and his smirk widened.

"Oh, I plan to have you do that very thing. So tell me, Dean, are you going to fuck me or am I going to find someone else for the night? You may not be willing to do the deed, but you better believe someone else will."

It was the thought of someone else having Sam that did it. While he knew he was being manipulated, Dean couldn't help but move forward and kneel on the bed after taking off his shoes and socks. Pointing his finger at Sam, Dean poked him in the chest, though Sam never stopped moving his hand. "How do I even know I won't catch something? You've been sleeping with anyone who so much as looks your way, the last thing I need is to get some fucking disease because you can't seem to keep it in your pants."

Sam grabbed the hand which had been against his chest and brought it down to his cock. Dean gulped slightly before wrapping his fingers around the shaft, feeling the weight of it against his palm. It was longer than his hand, though Dean could comfortably form a fist around it.

"You don't, Dean, but I tell you what, we'll get tested after this if it makes you feel better. I may be soulless, but I'm not stupid, this is the only body I have, and I'm going to take care of it and be careful… so tell me Dean, how do you want me?"

Slowly moving his hand, Dean couldn't help but marvel at the fact that he was holding another man's cock. It was different than holding his own, not just in the size and girth but in his consciousness as well. Still, Dean found pleasure in pleasing Sam; he always felt better when Sam was happy. Why couldn't he take a little bit for himself? It wasn't like Sam minded in his current state, and while they were searching for a way to put his soul back, there was still the chance they wouldn't find anything.

Rubbing the head of Sam's uncut dick with his thumb, Dean let go and _took_. With his other hand, Dean unbuckled his belt and undid his jeans to give his cock some relief. Sam didn't wait for Dean to take his dick out of his pants. Reaching forward, the taller man tugged at the fabric until Dean's dick was bare, his pants pulled down just past his ass so Sam could wrap a hand around him. The sudden feeling of having someone else's hand on his dick caused Dean to tighten his grip on Sam which in turned caused the taller man to moan.

"Fuck yes, Dean; I'm not some girl, you can be rougher with me." Taking the suggestion for what it was, Dean pushed Sam down onto the bed and sped up his hand, gripping it tightly while jerking it. Sam laughed slightly, having been forced to let go of Dean while he fell back. Spreading his legs wide, Sam looked up at Dean with a crooked grin on his face "You know, as much sex as I've had, I've never let anyone have my ass… do you want to Dean? You wanna be the first to fuck me?"

Dean couldn't help but close his eyes and groan at the thought. Fuck it had been so long since the last time he was with a virgin of any kind, his usual taste in women were ones who were more experienced in the bedroom, ones willing to spend only one night with him.

Sam made Dean open his eyes again as he moved his hips into the older man's hand, fucking his dick through Dean's tight grip. "Yeah, we can do that Dean… fuck take off your clothes, wanna see you."

He didn't hesitate; quickly Dean pulled off his jacket and shirt, the second his chest was bare Sam bent up and wrapped his lips around Dean's left nipple, sucking on the pebbled flesh while holding Dean's hips. Hissing at the contact, the older man struggled to get out of his pants, pushing Sam back down on the bed before he could pull them off.

Sam laughed at the treatment, his eyes practically glowing while he looked at Dean, licking his lips at the sight of the man in front of him. For his part, Dean couldn't help but take notice of how Sam looked then, his legs spread wide and waiting for him.

Getting off the mattress, Dean went to his duffel bag and pulled out a bottle of lube and a condom, two things he never went without. As he was making his way over to the bed, Dean noticed how Sam smirked, right before the taller man flipped onto his stomach and pulled his legs underneath himself. "Fuck," was the only word Dean could say as Sam presented himself to him. Nearly tripping over his discarded pants on the way to the bed, Dean hoped his brother didn't notice his slight tumble.

"This how you want me Dean?" asked Sam, reaching behind himself and pulling his cheeks apart so Dean could see his winking hole. "I know I've thought about this a lot, fuck even longer then you would imagine. Have you pictured it? Me all spread open and waiting for you like this?"

Groaning, Dean opened the lubricant and spread some on his fingers, warming the liquid before rubbing it along Sam's rim. God, he wished he could say no, that this was the first time he had ever pictured Sam like this for him, but it wasn't true.

How many nights had he brushed the thought aside? How many times did he have to look away as the standard air conditioning didn't work and he saw his brother nearly naked and sweating? Sam was typically pretty good about keeping to himself; he preferred to dress in the bathroom and didn't flaunt his body off. Still, there were those few moments, those stolen glances when Dean wished they didn't share blood, wished he had met Sam in a bar or on a hunt.

Dean may not have ventured into having sex with men before, but he would have done it in an instant with Sam. The body below Dean's moaned as he pressed a finger into the younger man, more spreading the lube inside than stretching. Sam's walls were tight around even a single digit, clamping down and making Dean hiss. Adding more lubricant slowly Dean pressed a second finger inside, taking his time to make sure Sam wasn't in pain. While the hunter seemed not to mind pain these days, Dean didn't want to cause any.

"Fuck Dean, you can go faster… I can take it, another finger…"

Dean hesitated, Sam was still clenching around his fingers. Reaching with his other hand, Dean grabbed Sam's cock, his thumb smoothly rubbing the bead of precum along the tip. Holding back a snort, Dean worked his third finger inside, making sure to spread them and the lube around. While Sam may think he could take Dean, he had admitted to not having bottomed before, and this wasn't something the older brother was willing to rush. Sam may not have his soul, but Dean still did. The taller man sucked in a sharp breath while Dean worked, burying his face in his arms which were supporting himself on the bed.

As Sam started to push his hips back to meet Dean's hand the older man pulled his fingers out and got to work opening the condom, easily slicking it once on before placing a hand on the small of Sam's back, stilling him. "You think you're ready Sam? Fuck you should see yourself, your hole is clenching, fucking begging for it." Sam chuckled slightly at that, repositioning himself so he could hold onto the headboard while his forearms remained on the mattress to brace himself.

"Yeah Dean, I'm ready… just fuck me."

Holding his cock with one hand, Dean kept the other on Sam's hip while slowly pushing inside. It was torture how tight Sam was around him, once he bottomed out, however, Dean placed both hands on the slim hips in front of him and stopped moving. "Dean!" the cry from below him caused Dean to shift slightly, though not thrusting into the man. He knew that cry, had spent his entire life learning every variation of his name from those lips. Sam needed a moment even if he wasn't going to ask for it, and Dean was going to give Sam what he needed, he always did.

Leaning forward Dean covered Sam's back with his chest, holding Sam in place while he brought his mouth to the nape of Sam's neck. Kissing the skin softly, Dean waited until Sam relaxed against him before pulling back ever so slightly and pushing back inside. For his part Sam remained still, letting Dean work at his own pace instead of trying to speed things along. "Fuck you feel good Sammy, so fucking tight around me…" Dean leaned back, pulling Sam up with him until they were sitting back.

"Ride me." The command came from Dean's mouth, one hand on Sam's hip while the other tweaked a nipple. Sam didn't bother protesting. Instead, he shifted until he could get some leverage and moved. Unlike the careful thrusts Dean had managed, Sam reached back to hook an arm around the shorter man and rode Dean for all he was worth. Panting, Sam moaned and grunted slamming himself down on Dean's cock; his thighs were burning before too long. Ignoring the feeling of his legs, Sam quickened his pace as he felt Dean moving with him, hearing groans right behind his ear.

"I need… Dean, _please_."

Understanding coursed through Dean when Sam spoke, reaching around he grasped the taller man's cock and started to stroke the hardened flesh. Snapping his hips up, Dean couldn't get the force he wanted; it only took a second to push Sam back down on the bed. Pinning Sam with a hand on the back of his neck, Dean gripped Sam's hip with his other hand tightly and rammed into the body beneath him. Sam moaned into the pillow, his arms coming up to brace against the headboard which was banging into the wall.

All thoughts of being gentle flew Dean's mind while he moved, his hips quickly pumping while Sam took it, the taller man's cries muffled against the pillow in his mouth. Letting go of Sam's neck, Dean grabbed the brunet's other hip tight enough that it would leave bruises on the skin and looked down, watching as he pistoned in and out of the tight hole. "Fuuuck," moaned Dean, his eyes locked onto where he was fucking his brother.

Suddenly the already tight walls clamped around him, making Dean let out a sharp cry as he felt Sam orgasm. Frantically, Dean used Sam to reach is own end, not stopping as Sam's tight channel milked him dry into the condom. It was like nothing Dean had felt before, no matter how many women he had been with, nothing was as powerful as the act he had just committed. Panting harshly, Dean pushed his cock deep into Sam one last time before he pulled out and discarded the used condom.

Leaning back, Dean sat on the backs of his legs while Sam continued to pant, his ass still high in the air. Softly, Dean rubbed a hand along each of Sam's cheeks, almost massaging the skin while he looked at Sam's abused hole. It was something to see; the wrinkled flesh turned into a light red. Licking his lips, Dean wondered for a second what it would taste like. While he knew it would be different, he wanted to try, to see if he could make Sam come on his tongue as he had with his cock.

"Fuck Dean, we should have done that ages ago…" Hearing the words spoken by Sam, who had tilted his head to the side, a broad grin on his face, caused Dean to freeze. This wasn't some guy he had picked up at the bar; it wasn't someone he would never see again. He wasn't even someone Dean could be friends with after, this was Sammy he was thinking about eating out, it was Sammy he had just fucked, it was Sammy who had that stupid afterglow about him.

"Dean?" asked Sam, a note of concern in his tone while he shifted onto his back, legs still spread so Dean could appreciate his form. "Dean? If you're going to have a freak-out could you do it in the bathroom? You're ruining my high here."

The non-claret way Sam spoke made Dean look up into Sam's eyes, eyes Dean had been avoiding even while he was shoving his cock into Sam's ass. Those eyes were nothing like they had been before, while his pupils were still a bit blown, there was no regret in his expression, nothing besides an empty shell.

No this wasn't Sammy, it was the same body but his Sammy, even if they had done this before would have shown his inexperience, he would have been looking for reassurance if nothing else. This was Sam alright, but only in body. Shaking his head, Dean glanced to the still made bed. "Nah I think I'm good, you probably don't even need to cuddle or some shit, do you?" Dean asked with a mocking smile.

Sam shook his head. "No," the younger man answered, eyeing Dean for a second. "But after your nap, I want to ride you again, properly this time."

He should have said no, should have refused the thought but Dean wanted the same thing. "While I'm fucking you, I'm the only one having you, is that understood? If we're going to do this, you're going to stop shoving your dick into anything that moves." Dean wasn't expecting the laugh from Sam, nor was he prepared when the taller man wrapped his legs around Dean, arching his body so his ass could rest against his soft cock.

"We are so going to have fun with this; I promise I'll stop sleeping around so long as you keep fucking me. You don't want to share? Fine, but I am not giving up sex, so you better be ready to stock up on condoms and lube."

Dean wanted to say that the thought didn't get him excited, but it would have been a lie. He didn't want to admit the idea of marathon sex with Sam made his dick twitch in a feeble attempt to harden. He would need to have a nap, but when he woke up, Dean was going to fuck Sam so good he wouldn't even think about taking someone else home. This was a challenge Dean was more than ready to accept, even if it was until he got his Sammy back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

While it had never left Dean's mind that the Sam he had been working with, sleeping with, wasn't the same brother he had known all his life, it was never so apparent as when he got Sammy back. The whole ordeal had all been a bit anticlimactic, while Dean had hoped Death would play ball, it was one thing to wish for something and another to watch it come true. The second Death finished his work though; Dean could see the difference. Even before Sam opened his eyes, he was different. At that moment it was also over between them.

Death had promised to place a wall between Sammy and what Sam had done without a soul; it was a blessing, one which would keep his baby brother whole, so the hunter didn't have to remember his time as a plaything for the very Devil. Dean was happy Sammy was back, _he_ _was_ , but a part of Dean missed being with Sam in a way he shouldn't. With his soul back, there was no way Sam would want Dean the way he had before, and while he thought his brother might have gone along with it -if it was something Dean wanted- Sam was under too much pressure as it was.

It didn't stop Dean from imagining it, remembering it. During their time together, Dean had done everything he wanted to Sam; it seemed without a soul, Sam had been game for pretty much everything. There were times Dean wondered if the man even realized he should have shied away from some of their rougher play, but instead Sam had moaned and begged for everything Dean could give him and more.

Having a lover like that had been amazing, something Dean had wanted long before he realized Sam could give it to him. Now that he knew what he was missing, Dean couldn't even pretend to have an interest in anyone else who came by. Sam typically would have commented, but soon it was easy to tell that his baby brother was having his issues trying to stop from scratching at the wall Death had built in his mind. In some twisted way, Dean wished Sam would remember, that Dean would wake up to find those hazel eyed looking at him in bed, staring at him like he wanted to see if the memories were real.

If Sam were the one to ask; if his Sammy made even the slightest move, Dean would go for it. It wasn't something he was proud of, but Dean was willing to put it all on the line for another taste of Sam's lips. Though the flesh would taste the same, Dean wondered what Sammy was like in bed as opposed to the soulless version of himself. Soulless Sam hadn't had any restrictions on what he was willing to do for the rush of a good orgasm, any kink Dean could think of, Sam was ready to play along. But would Sammy?

Licking his lips, Dean turned away from Sam from where he was laying on his motel bed only a few feet away from temptation. Would Sam let him do the things the soulless version of himself had? Would he let Dean pin him down? Tie him up? Would Sammy let him shove his tongue in his hole and spank his ass red? While he didn't seem to crave the pain, Soulless Sam had been willing and did enjoy it… would Sammy?

Reaching down under the rough blankets, Dean slipped a hand inside his sleeping pants. He didn't have the time to tease himself as Sam was still waking up at the slightest sounds these days. Wrapping a hand around his half-hard cock, Dean bit the inside of his lip. Closing his eyes, he brought up the memories of how Sam would beg and demand more, how he would take everything Dean could give him and still be looking for another fix. A flash of Sam laying on a motel bed like the one they were in, face and hair covered in cum while Sam's reddened cock strained for relief made Dean quicken his strokes.

Fighting the urge to moan, Dean sped up his hand which was furiously pumping his cock, hopeful he wasn't too loud. Would Sammy let him do that? Paint his face white with his cum? Stuffing his other hand in his mouth, Dean thrust his hips a handful of times before he was coming. Biting back the call of his brother's name, Dean kept pumping until the inside of his boxers were soaked.

Rolling onto his back, Dean waited a few moments, not opening his eyes but listening for Sam's even breathing. When he heard it, Dean let go a breath he had been holding. While he liked the fantasy of Sam asking for him again; the reality was, it wasn't going to happen. Sam would be disgusted by Dean masturbating instead of turned on. Carefully, Dean made his way to his bag and grabbed a new pair of boxers, throwing his ruined ones in the dirty laundry pile after giving them a quick scrub.

Crawling back into bed, Dean turned toward Sam, watching as his chest rose and fell in time with his even breathing. It was somewhat comforting, watching Sam sleep after him not being able to for so long. This was his Sammy now, the one who felt too much and loved too easily. While he had enjoyed his time with soulless Sam, it was this version of him that Dean needed. He needed Sam to be whole, even if he was messed up in the head from what Lucifer had done to him. It was better than not genuinely knowing if Sam was going to stab him while he slept because he wanted to see if their blood was the same color or some shit.

Dean hadn't mentioned it, hadn't given himself time to think about it while Sam's soul was missing, but that version of Sam was more terrifying than any monster they had faced. For some reason Sam still felt like he needed Dean, like things were better with Dean around, but he had no delusions in thinking it was love the soulless form was feeling. If whatever drive it was that brought Sam to his home when he was staying with Lisa died, Dean didn't think he would be long before Sam either set him up to die on a hunt or killed him, himself.

There had been more than one morning where Dean had woken up to Sam watching him, a confused and nearly curious look on his face. Sam had been quick to cover it up, to distract Dean- but Dean was no fool. Even if Death hadn't been able to bring back Sam's soul his time was limited, eventually Sam would have killed Dean or let something else do the job. This Sam though, this was someone Dean could trust with his life, he always could and while he would miss being able to touch Sam the way he wanted he would take this Sam over anyone else any day. Besides he still had his memories.

Sam shifted in his sleep, a frown on his face while he fought off whatever nightmare started to form. Dean wanted to go over and comfort his brother, and in another time, he might have crawled in bed beside him and helped Sam sleep. Now things were different, though that didn't stop Dean from humming softly, his voice enough to ease Sam. He would have to keep an eye on Sam, to make sure he didn't scratch at the wall Death had made, if for nothing else so Sam didn't remember what happened between them.

Dean never expected Cas to be the one to break them. It was horrifying, watching as Castiel ripped apart what remained of the wall Sam had been so frantically trying to protect. The rush of memories had been too much, and while Dean wanted to help Sam, they had bigger things to finish. Watching as Sam tried to pull himself together wrecked something in Dean, ruined him in a way he didn't know could be done. And it was Cas, the same Cas who had sworn to fight with them, who had battled against the Devil with them, that did it.

It caused Dean to have a sick feeling in his stomach; he was just barely able to stop from throwing up for a split-second. Dean was relieved when Sam's horror of the cage overrode his time with Dean. Having Sam be placed inside of that hospital once Castiel died, Dean was once again on the road while having to abandon the one person he loved the most. It killed him, and every day he wondered when it would get him slaughtered, right up until he met Emmanuel.

It didn't seem right at the time, of having Castiel be able to create a new identity, a new life for himself as Emmanuel. Every day, Dean had to live through what Cas had done, had to deal with how his brother was nothing but a broken mess and here was the cause of it all; a new name, a new life, and no memories to keep him up at night.

Convincing Emmanuel to come with him hadn't been a problem, but keeping his mouth shut about what the truth was. Dean wanted nothing more than to rip into Cas, to tell him exactly what he thought, and good intentions or not, to explain how fucked up Cas had made Sammy. Still, though as much as he hated it, Dean kept his mouth shut, willing to bury it down so long as Emmanuel could heal Sam.

When Castiel got his memories back, including the guilt of what he had done, Dean had to act fast. He hadn't been planning on asking it of Emmanuel, but Castiel would understand. Cas knew them, knew how close they were and what it would mean for the brothers. Pulling Cas away from Meg who had managed to weasel her way into his life, Dean made the angel look at him, setting his jaw before speaking. "I don't care how you fix him, but you can't give him back all his memories." Castiel looked at Dean with a title to his head, confused. "I can't have him remembering his life while he was soulless," continued Dean.

Castiel finally seemed to understand there was more than Dean was saying. "I can choose to void that part out of his mind, Dean, but I will take it on myself. Whatever you're trying to hide from Sam, I will know."

Dean sighed, running a hand through his hair before he looked into Castiel's blue eyes. "We were together, Sam… when he didn't have a soul, we were together. And it was fine while his soul wasn't in his body but knowing that would ruin him Cas; it would ruin _us_ , so he can't know."

Castiel frowned, nodding his head once he thought it over. "I understand. While I don't believe Sam would react the way you fear, I will keep this from him, Dean. I swear." It wasn't as reassuring as Dean thought to have Castiel swear something to him, not after all the crap they had been through lately. Still, it was the only chance he had. Nodding his head, Dean accepted Cas at his word, putting his trust in the angel.

While he hadn't been expecting much from Castiel, knowing that Death himself had barely been able to put up a wall between Sam and his memories, Dean was surprised as Cas took the pain into himself. It was something else, watching as Castiel went from being fine to being practically brain-dead; the horror of what Sam had been through causing his mind to break. It only verified how strong Sam was, to be able to take that kind of pain and survive. Sure, Sam saw Lucifer as a hallucination, but considering the state they left Castiel in- that was nothing.

With Sam back with him, Dean had the same problem from before, only this time Sam had his mind back again. It was harder each day to hide the glances and to stop the fantasies from breaking through, from letting Sam see what he wanted. If it weren't for their mission of trying to shut Dick down it would have been easy for Sam to tell something was wrong between them. Dean couldn't pinpoint what it was anymore, but while he tried to push his desires aside, he knew it was reflected in their daily lives.

Charlie had been a surprise. As had Bobby, who seemed to accept them as more than just brothers. Bobby hadn't said anything, having issues communicating with them, Charlie had seen no reason to hide what she knew. Though the woman never wanted to see them again, having needed to fight for her life the second she met them. Once Sam was busy, she had pulled Dean aside, crossing her arms over her chest in much the same way Sam used to when he was younger and about to lay down his opinion.

"You need to tell him," Charlie said, raising an eyebrow when Dean went to protest. Holding her hand in the air to stop the denial he was about to spout, she shook her head. "I get it, and I understand why you think shutting it out is going to help, and I know I've only known you for like two days, but you need to tell him. If I can tell, other people can tell. And while it may not have come out yet, you better believe it will. Brother or not, you love him, Dean, and it's not the same way as normal siblings."

Patting his shoulder, Charlie gave Dean a small smile. "And I think he might surprise you, I mean you guys do this all the time right? Fight monsters and save the day? You don't do that for years with someone and not feel something, think about."

Dean did think about it, for weeks he turned her advice over in his head, but it never seemed to be the right time. One thing ran right into another, and before Dean knew it, he was fighting off Dick and waking up in Purgatory, alone.

Having Castiel abandon him when there were monsters around hadn't made sense at first, not until he met Benny. Benny was something different; something Dean hadn't even known he was missing. The vampire was fierce, he would have to be to survive in Monster-Hell, but he wasn't without his mind. Fighting alongside Benny had been freeing, liberating in a way Dean hadn't been expecting.

The second he was out of Purgatory, Dean had searched for Sam. Finding his brother had been easy, and with the thrill, the freedom of the world he had been in still in his veins, he was going to make a move. Dean had survived Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory he could finally risk Sam knowing how he felt. But Sam hadn't even looked for him. For the first time in his life, Dean realized Sam chose the path away from him. Even when the younger man went to Stanford, it had been to get away from Dad, not him, and to have a healthy life, but to not look for him?

There was no coming back from that, no way to soothe that wound, and it festered inside Dean with every passing day. Every year got harder to carry, their tasks seemingly never-ending, but it was the knowledge that Sam didn't, that Sam _couldn't_ feel the same which left a gaping hole in his soul. Dean had never once given up on Sam, never once had he abandoned his brother to be on his own, not really. Sure, there had been times when they needed to split up for a week or two, but Dean always came back, and he always watched over the younger man.

Even when he had been with Lisa, Dean had tried everything in his power to get his brother back, a brother who hadn't bothered with him while Sam was topside for a year. It seemed to be a recurring theme, so when the shit hit the fan, and they needed a way to harness the power of the First Blade, Dean hadn't hesitated. Cain could go on about the dangers, could explain what it would do to him, but he had a pretty good idea of what he was giving up.

Without Sam in his corner, there was nothing else for Dean to do. Sam could live without Dean if it came down to it, could continue his life and make his dream come true; for the white picket fence and two-point-five kids. But there was no part of Dean that could live without Sam. A sacrifice was needed, and Dean was damn-well going to be the one to do it. Taking on the mark had been just as liberating as being in Purgatory, while it may have started to darken his soul, Dean could feel the relief in having nothing holding him back. No one could stop him once he finally let go, when he woke with his eyes blackened looking at the King of Hell, who would call Dean his Knight, he finally felt free.

Dean had always known that he was eventually bound for Hell, he just never thought it would be his choice.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Chaining up his brother wasn't something Sam ever wanted to do again. While he understood it was needed, that he didn't have a choice to make Dean take the cure and become himself again, it still killed Sam to watch his brother strug. Not only was he unable to help but he was the cause of Dean's distress. The demon Dean had become was nothing like the brother he knew, not the caring one who helped Sam, who always looked after him. Now Dean was using every bit of knowledge he could to cut into him, to watch as Sam had to hide a flinch or wince at what Dean was saying.

Though Dean may have been tied up, he could wound Sam just as well, if not better, with his words alone. He may be a demon, but he still had all of Dean's memories, he knew all of Sam's tells and it was getting to him. Forcing himself into the room with Dean again, Sam looked at the syringe of his blood he would have to shove into his brother's neck. How had they become this?

"Is it that time already? I guess time does fly when you're having fun. Let's see what I can drag up for you now shall we, Sammy?" Dean leered at Sam, smiling in satisfaction when Sam squirmed ever so slightly.

Sam tried to ignore the sneer on Dean's lips, the way he seemed to poison Sam's very name. Dean was the only one who could call him Sammy, not this soulless-demon version. "It's Sam," he couldn't stop from saying, no matter if it would give Dean leverage or not. Instead of taunting him, Dean smirked while Sam prepared the new vial of blood for the top of the hour.

"It is, isn't it… I wonder if you let your little girlfriend call you Sammy though? You know the one you gave up finding your brother for? Did you know the only thing that kept me going in Purgatory was knowing that you would be the one to save me, that you would do anything and everything to make sure I made it back?" The demon clicked his tongue and scoffed, "Guess that only goes one way, huh?"

Not able to hide the flinch this time, Sam kept his gaze away from Dean and firmly on the clock in front of him. "Every time something broke us apart we always found our way back to each other, what was it the trickster called it? Co-dependent? I guess it only works when it's _you_ who's missing. My time with Lisa? If you only knew the things I considered, the danger I put them in on the off chance it would bring you back. I never gave up on you, not even when you left me to go to Stanford. Did you think I didn't stop by and make sure you were okay? You think I didn't fight Dad at every turn? Why do you think he went on a hunting trip _alone,_ Sam?"

Grinding his teeth, Sam tried to ignore what Dean was saying, but while he knew demons lied, he also knew that sometimes they told the truth. And this was hitting pretty damn true. "Even when you were soulless I went with you, no questions asked. But you? You couldn't go a damn year looking for me. Instead, you shacked up with some whore. Good to know I'm a priority, and everyone says _I'm_ the brother who thinks with his dick."

"She's not a whore." While he didn't want to give Dean the satisfaction that he was right on most counts, Sam couldn't help defending his ex.

Dean snorted, rolling his eyes even as Sam took the prepared needle and started to make his way over. "Hate to break it to you Sammy, but nice girls don't sleep with someone else while their husband is at home. She may have thought he was dead when you were together, but you can't tell me a nice girl would have fucked you in your hotel room with him waiting at their house."

Jabbing the needle into Dean's neck, Sam plunged the blood into Dean's system watching as his older brother started to thrash against him, moaning in pain. Pulling back once he was done, Sam tried to hurry, to leave the room, but he couldn't before Dean started talking again. "But you wanna know the real kicker? I was jealous. I was jealous that you were fucking her and not me."

Sam froze from where he had been putting the syringe back, eyes wide while they turned up to look at Dean who was panting, his body trying to reject the cure.

"What?" whispered Sam his voice unable to remain strong as Dean caught his eyes.

"I'm always jealous when you get laid. Fuck, I keep forgetting you don't remember. Didn't you ever wonder about the blank spots in your memory, Sammy? About some of your time when you were walking around without a soul? Oh yeah, me and that version of you? Once we figured out what was wrong with you, I made sure you didn't need to go anywhere else to get your rocks off."

"No," the denial was out of Sam's mouth before he realized he said it. "No, you're lying there's no way you would have… that we could have… no."

The grin Sam received wasn't what he was expecting.

"I don't need to lie, Sam. Oh I resisted for about a minute at first, you were my brother, and it was wrong… but seeing you laying out on the bed, asking me to fuck you? How could I say no to that?" Dean closed his eyes savoring the memory before opening them and continuing. "Best decision I ever made, fuck you were wild, and any kink I could think of, you were game so long as you got off. I remember how you used to present for me, face down on the bed with your ass in the air, fuck Sammy you have no idea-"

"Stop!" the cry came from deep in Sam's gut. Looking at Dean who was practically salivating at the thought Sam couldn't take it anymore. There was no way that what Dean was saying was true, it was the demon in him and while there were parts of his memory missing Sam had long learned not to pry, not after the wall crumbled. "Just… stop. I know you're lying. There's no way you would have ever touched me like that, and even if you did, then I wouldn't have forgotten. So, stop."

While he was expecting Dean to continue, what Sam wasn't expecting was for Dean to look at him. For a moment, Sam knew he was looking at his brother and not the demon he had become. As he spoke, Dean's voice softened, no longer taunting him.

"But it wasn't you, not really. I probably would have said no if you were still _you_ , but the soulless version? Yeah, I was willing to ruin everything for a chance, even if it all went to hell when you got your soul back. And you probably wouldn't have forgotten, but I asked Castiel to wipe it from your mind when he took on your memories of the cage."

Sam didn't want to believe Dean; he didn't. The tone he used though and those green eyes, there was no denying it. Sam had spent a lifetime reading Dean, being able to understand his tells for everything. Demon or not, Dean wasn't lying.

"I'm gonna be sick."

The words were barely out of his mouth when Sam grabbed a trash bucket and emptied his stomach while Dean laughed. The sound of Dean's laughter went through the room and down to Sam's gut. Closing his eyes, Sam set the bowl down once he was done, breathing heavily but no longer in any fear of throwing up again.

"You see? That's why I never said anything, just the thought of your big brother fucking you has you puking your guts up. You know, Charlie was able to pick it up the first time we met, told me to get my act together and tell you. Guess she was wrong." Dean laughed again, but Sam heard something else in the teasing, a bit of sadness he had only heard when Dean was truly low. It was the laugh Dean gave when he was trying not to let the pain in and looking at the time, Sam noticed there was only one hour left. One more vial and Dean would be cured.

Did he want Dean to go back to how things were though? _Could_ they go back to how things were? If Dean was telling the truth, and Sam knew he was, then where did that leave them? Making his way over to where the last vial of blood was waiting for him, Sam kept his eyes locked on the clock. It would be a while before it was time but if he could hold off a little longer he would be able to see Dean again, his brother, and they could work this out. Even if they had to split up for a bit, Sam was confident they would be able to work through this. They had to; Dean was all he had.

Dean continued to try and get a rise out of him, to try and distract him, but Sam remained focused only on the clock in front of him and the feel of the syringe in his hand. Once it was time, Sam made his way over to his restrained brother, holding the needle in a practiced way that Dean couldn't squirm around it. When Dean noticed Sam wasn't faltering, he tried again; his voice had that same edge to it Sam had seen earlier.

"It doesn't matter if you cure me, Sammy. You know I'm telling the truth, and it's going to fester in you for the rest of your life, how you were a whore for me, how you _wanted_ me and how I want you. You think it went away when you got your soul back? I lost track of how many nights I was sleeping only a few feet away from you jerking off and wondering if I could touch you."

Instead of plunging the needle into Dean, when Sam rushed forward, it was to slam his mouth against his brother's. For a second Dean stopped moving entirely before pressing back against Sam, fighting the ties around his arms and leaning as close to Sam's body as he could. The brunet used the hand not holding the needle to place at the back of Dean's head, holding his head in place while Sam opened his mouth. It was furious, teeth and tongue and trying to get as much as they could, but Sam felt more wanted in that kiss than he ever had.

When he pulled back, Sam noticed how Dean wasn't struggling anymore. Instead, his eyes closed, and he was tilting his head up slightly as if to chase the kiss. When Dean opened his eyes, his green orbs stared into Sam's hazel ones. There was no mistaking that this was Dean, the human soul and the one Sam was aching to speak to. "Coffee and your damn sweetness, just like I remember," smirked Dean a hesitant look in his familiar green eyes.

Throwing the needle across the room, Sam didn't bother with finishing to cure Dean. Leaning forward, Sam slotted their mouths together again, this time straddling Dean's lap to get even closer. "You should have told me," whispered Sam, pressing their foreheads together. "Dammit Dean, you should have told me." A sharp tug to the back of Dean's hair made him press his lips against Sam's again for a moment. "So much time Dean…" the younger man trailed off while seeming to frantically kiss every bit of Dean's skin he could reach.

Dean didn't say anything. He fought against the ties keeping him hostage though unlike before, he had no intentions of escaping. He wasn't about to let Sam stop. As the taller man bit down on his earlobe, Dean thrust his hips up as high as he could, and while they weren't in a position to rub off on each other, it gave Sam the message.

"What?" laughed Sam, "No snarky comeback about your slut of a brother this time?"

Shaking his head, Dean leaned forward; Sam was sitting up straight on his lap, showing his height advantage which made Dean press a kiss to the hollow of Sam's neck. "Not yet, you keep this up though, and I'm not going to hold back. This is for you, isn't it? For you to see what it was like when we were together? If you want this Sammy, then take it, but let me loose, let me touch you."

This time Sam was the one to shake his head, a small smile playing on his lips. "No, I don't think I will yet… I get the feeling you're not going to let me do this again for a while." Whatever Dean was about to say was cut off as Sam once again captured his lips in a kiss. This time there was a little less heat and a little more softness, though when Sam next rocked his pelvis, it was to press his soft ass against Dean's hardening shaft. Dean hissed at the friction, his hands clenched while he sat there, Sam rocking his ass over his crotch while they kissed.

"The first time I thought about kissing you I think I was twelve. I didn't even know it was wrong, not really. I saw you kissing some girl behind the school, and I wondered what it was like." Harsh teeth sunk into Dean's neck, forcing his hips to buck up against Sam who trailed a hand from the back of Dean's neck to press down on his shoulder where he was leaning back against the chair.

It was a nice twist to their game to have Sam calling the shots. Even while he had been soulless it had been Dean who was the one telling Sam what to do; now Sam wasn't holding back on him. "I left for college because every damn time I jerked off, I was thinking about you." The top of his pants being unbuttoned caused Dean to look up at Sam whose eyes locked on the zipper he was carefully pulling down. "By then I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't going to happen at least not while we were hunting with Dad. For a while, after I left I used to imagine you coming to get me, we would have this huge fight where I would say how I couldn't live with Dad anymore."

Fresh air on his cock caused Dean to shiver before it was wrapped in Sam's warm palm. "Most nights I thought about how we would leave then, just the two of us and how we would explore this. I always came so hard when I thought of you, harder than I did with any partner, anyways."

Moaning as Sam experimentally moved his hand, Dean let his head fall back while Sam worked, no longer caring what the younger Winchester wanted so long as he didn't stop.

"Now you're telling me that I had that chance? That we spent months fucking and you took those memories away from me?" For a moment, anger filtered through Sam's voice.

The hand around his dick grew a bit too tight causing Dean's eyes to snap open, and while he didn't know what color they were something caused Sam's expression to change, and his hand continued its slow pumps. "I wish you would have said something Dean; we could have been spending our time doing this instead of pretending we were normal, well as normal as we could be anyways." As Sam left his lap, Dean jerked in the chair again, wanting to pull the man back on him.

With a slight laugh, Sam pulled off his shirts leaving his chest bare before tugging off his pants with ease. It shouldn't have surprised him, seeing Sammy before him, but Dean had spent so long suppressing those memories it was like seeing him for the first time all over again. There were some new scars from wounds Dean had helped stitch together, but overall it was still the same body he had once called his. It was a miracle he could call Sammy his again. This time as Sam moved back onto his lap, instead of wrapping a hand around Dean again, Sam pressed their cocks together, rocking his hips.

"Sammy, let me out of these chains, let me touch you." Sam shook his head, leaning forward to kiss Dean. Wrapping his arm around the blond's neck, Sam pressed them together while he moved. Reaching between them, Sam wrapped his large hand around their dicks causing them to rub together while rocking. It wasn't what Sam wanted, which was for Dean to take him, to ride the older man and hopefully fuck the memories back into his system. Instead, Sam panted against Dean's mouth; his eyes shut firmly as he brought them closer.

Dean kissed Sam as often as he could, breaking periodically to let out a soft moan or curse while his orgasm was slowly building inside him.

"Dean… Dean, I'm gonna…"

Hearing Sam moan his name, Dean thrust his hips up, jerking Sam slightly who had been rocking against him. "S'ok Sammy… want you to come, think you can make us go together?" Seeing Sam open his eyes, Dean practically lunged forward to press his teeth right below Sam's ear where he knew the other man was sensitive. " _Now,_ " Dean growled sinking his teeth into the delicate flesh.

The bite was enough for Sam. With a loud groan Sam rubbed them together while he came, the feeling of Sam's hot cum on his dick was enough to push Dean over the edge as well while Sam moved his hand slowly. For a second neither moved, Sam stopped working his hand, and Dean leaned his forehead against Sam's shoulder, both panting while trying to regroup. Sam was the first one to speak, his unsoiled hand still wrapped around Dean though now he was playing with the short hair at the back of his brother's neck.

"We could have been doing that for _years,_ Dean. And what? Do you have to be a _demon_ for me to have you like this? Fuck Dean, how am I supposed to choose between saving you and loving you?" There was real pain in Sam's voice; pain Dean had put there.

Nuzzling against Sam's shoulder, Dean tried to think of something that could make this better when his eyes opened with a snap. For the first time since he was turned into a demon, Dean realized he didn't want to cause pain or destruction. If anything, he wanted to take care of Sam, to love him just like he always had.

There was a new feeling alongside it, a rush of possessiveness Dean hadn't previously had even when they had last been together. Still, what amount of emotion he could label as negative was overwhelmed by the rush of love he had for the man on his lap. "I feel more human now than I have in years." The whisper broke through the room, which caused Sam to jerk back and look down at Dean. Making eye contact, so Sam knew he was telling the truth, Dean wished he could hold his brother closer while they spoke.

"I do Sammy; I haven't felt this close to human since before we were hunting for a way to stop seals from breaking. It's still there, the mark, but it's quiet."

Sam didn't speak for a minute although he did bring Dean into another kiss. "Do you think… Cain fought for years by loving Colette, do you think maybe…"

Dean didn't need Sam to finish his sentence. Instead, Dean nodded his head ever so slightly. "Yeah Sammy… I do." Dean found himself wrapped in Sam's strong arms, and while he couldn't wait to be able to touch Sam again, to hold him, he wouldn't trade this for the world. For the first time in a long while he had hope that Sam would stay with him, that they could be together again for the long-haul, and for once it could be just as he pictured it. Sam was whole, not the soulless shell he had been before, this time it would be real.

Nuzzling his face against Sam's neck Dean took in the scent of the man holding him. Yeah, he could fight off whatever darkness was inside him, he thought to himself. They would find a way so they could stay together, they had to. They kept each other human.

 **P.S. If you want to keep up to date on my writing add me to Facebook, Tumbler, Twitter or Instagram as CrowNoYami ;-) Also, if you want to see what I'm reading (I always review so you know what you're getting into) I'm on Goodreads as well, the same name as always.**


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